A message from Noelyne...It's great to hear the birds singing again after a long very cold Winter here in the UK. Valentine's day is approaching and there's hope of Spring like whether soon. But what if you are unhappy in your relationship and don't know what to do? The approach of Valentine's can be a sad one. The love you once felt has withered or you feel numb as a result of something the other person has done. Maybe their behaviour towards you has changed which has caused you to doubt your once strong feelings. You don't feel like buying a Valentine's card because you feel hurt and let down.
How do you cope with change in a relationship?
Change is a life process that you go through and learn to cope with or manage. It can be an emotional roller coaster particularly so if it's a change that you don't want to be happening and seem to have no control over. Remember the only thing you can control is yourself. Sometimes with change there is a period of denial when something happens that you don’t really want to happen. For example, in relationships you may discover some information about the other person that you really don’t want to know. Perhaps you discover some information which means that they have cheated on you or not been open and honest about other friendships or have hidden something about themselves. When the information conflicts with our own values in life then you are put in that awful position of really wishing that it was not true and that you had not discovered it. You go into denial at this stage as you know that the consequences of accepting it are a major decision which will affect your lives. The life you had mapped out is put into disarray, you feel panicky. You don’t want to accept that the information could be true, you just don’t want to believe your eyes and ears. You don’t want to believe that the person you love could be so devious or underhand or unfaithful. How could they jeopardise what they have? Yet eventually you know that you have to face the facts. The man you love has not been honest with you, he has deceived you. You feel hurt and let down and very sad.
Next you pluck up courage to face the truth and talk to the person. You know that they will deny it and get angry and ask for proof, which further makes you mad. They have been found out and now feel guilty and so try to deny it. Yet more denial.
Change is a life process that you go through and learn to cope with or manage. It can be an emotional roller coaster particularly so if it's a change that you don't want to be happening and seem to have no control over. Remember the only thing you can control is yourself. Sometimes with change there is a period of denial when something happens that you don’t really want to happen. For example, in relationships you may discover some information about the other person that you really don’t want to know. Perhaps you discover some information which means that they have cheated on you or not been open and honest about other friendships or have hidden something about themselves. When the information conflicts with our own values in life then you are put in that awful position of really wishing that it was not true and that you had not discovered it. You go into denial at this stage as you know that the consequences of accepting it are a major decision which will affect your lives. The life you had mapped out is put into disarray, you feel panicky. You don’t want to accept that the information could be true, you just don’t want to believe your eyes and ears. You don’t want to believe that the person you love could be so devious or underhand or unfaithful. How could they jeopardise what they have? Yet eventually you know that you have to face the facts. The man you love has not been honest with you, he has deceived you. You feel hurt and let down and very sad.
Next you pluck up courage to face the truth and talk to the person. You know that they will deny it and get angry and ask for proof, which further makes you mad. They have been found out and now feel guilty and so try to deny it. Yet more denial.
So you discuss it, there are tears, you get angry, you tell them it’s over, they plead with you that it was a mistake and apologise saying it will never happen again. You accept their apology because you are desperate to maintain the relationship. You don’t want to face the alternative. All of a sudden your relationship is fantastic and has a new lease of life. The other person is very attentive. Exactly what you have wanted all along.
Then your emotions start to go up and down, you can’t get the facts out of your mind and you start to doubt your decision to accept and stay in the relationship. This is when the emotional turmoil kicks in. Remember that the person you love has crossed your boundaries, broken your rules in a relationship.
What caused them to choose to be dishonest or not tell the truth knowing that they risked the relationship? What made them hide things from you? How can you trust them ever again? Doubts start to creep in, their texts and messages of love feel tainted, the relationship has been knocked. Can it ever be the same again?
What causes you to choose to forgive? What causes you to stay in the relationship given that your values have been compromised? What causes you to choose to stay knowing that boundaries have been crossed?
Only you can answer these questions and there is no right or wrong. Each person will do something different as you have a different set of values, beliefs and experiences in life.
It’s important to focus on what you want in this situation, look after yourself, love yourself and give love to those around you. Remember that you do not need the relationship, there is always more. It is your choice to stay or leave, no matter what anyone else says. It’s at times like this that it’s handy to have a listening ear who you can totally trust and who you know has your interests at heart.
Know you can handle whatever happens in life,
Noelyne Jones
P.S. Request your copy of my Free Special Report on How to Overcome Your Fears
No comments:
Post a Comment